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Test run - Live Bloat

Submitted by BlueSoul on Sat, 08/08/2009 - 06:57

1) Live Bloat (subject to change)

2) http://witchyerotica.deviantart.com/art/livebloat-132555109

3) Bluesoul

4) A woman puts on a show for her fans where she drinks a lot of water.

Optional, but suggested:

1) Anything you got. Really tear into this story. Always looking for grammar points and style. Also looking to see what kind of details people want in the description of the scene.

2) This was a test piece I quickly wrote for feedback purposes. I want to get used to writing for feedback so I plan to submit at least a short a week in this style of one shot ordeals. Originally this was going to be blander and just solely focus on the expansion itself, but somehow I got to writing about some of the ladies on youtube. As this stands now the format got all screwed up when I passed it through a spellcheck. I haven't gone back to read it at the moment just because my eyes are on fire.

Sun, 08/09/2009 - 17:24
#2
dragon_6860
dragon_6860's picture

Hmm..well, first thing I could say is that there's quite a few grammar mistakes, but it's a quick shot, so that's no biggie. The story seems to also lack a smooth flow to it. The huge number of paragraphs seem to make it stop and start quite a bit. May want to just put the paragraph breaks where somehing big happens, like she gets up, she goes to bed, that kinda thing. Hmm...All i can think of now...Nicely done though!

No, I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith.

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Sun, 02/21/2010 - 08:30
#3
BlueSoul
dragon_6860 wrote:
Hmm..well, first thing I could say is that there's quite a few grammar mistakes, but it's a quick shot, so that's no biggie. The story seems to also lack a smooth flow to it. The huge number of paragraphs seem to make it stop and start quite a bit. May want to just put the paragraph breaks where somehing big happens, like she gets up, she goes to bed, that kinda thing. Hmm...All i can think of now...Nicely done though!

Thanks for the critique :) very much appreciated it. Lol yea I did have issues with where to make the breaks at when i was working on it and grammar is so not my friend lol

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