Zombie Mall Kids, The Frequel

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Poor Rosa, I know you're going to die in this scene. You, the voice of reason, whose only sin was being curvy and Hispanic in this otherwise white and assless travesty. I’d toast to you, but I’m pretty sure we are out of soda and I don’t feel like checking.

Since this weekend is Halloween and I can’t really go anywhere, I've been watching scary movies all week to make up for it. Tonight's film is the 90's sequel to the classic schlock horror flick "Zombie Mall Kids", which contained a lot of oddly long winded diatribes on mindless consumerism. This entry eschews any deeper meaning and goes straight for the reason we're watching anything this awful; namely having a bunch of colorful monster types obliterate a cast of archetypes in a humiliating and illustrative fashion.

The monsters here are the titular Zombie Mall Kids, a wholesome band of "Saved by the bell" knock-offs transformed into pustule covered undead by irradiated corn dogs. Their makeup is surprisingly good if a bit overdone. Nearly everything else in this movie has the opposite quality; dull, phoned in and oppressively dreary.

The death scenes are other rare exceptions to this -  while each one has gone predictably thus far, they've been fairly exciting or at least funny. I know it's dear Rosa's turn because the camera has started to focus on her for once, and not entirely to her benefit. Wardrobe seems to have neglected the poor thing; her overall plushness hikes up a drab, undersized retail clerk uniform, and a slight tan muffin top oozes subtly over the waistband of her snug khaki pants.

Creepy music chirps sporadically as she jiggles softly into a Party Town department store. True to form, she keeps away from the hysterical screaming that doomed the previous victims. Instead, we get a close up of Rosa's soft face, crowned by curly dark hair and accented by red lipstick. A single bead of sweat runs down her temple as she peers around the entrance. Has she managed to shake her pursuers?

Of course not, and two of the zombified teens inform her via a cliche pop-up scare. *Now* comes the hysteric screaming as Rosa dashes further into the store, her pronounced derriere knocking a few party favors to the ground as she squeezes through claustrophobic aisles. It's here that Rosa makes what I am certain is her final mistake, as she cuts a corner and hides in what seems like a mostly empty supply closet. A single ceiling light flickers, revealing it’s just her leaning against the door, her backside precariously squished against a...helium tank?

Suddenly I’m interested again, as the camera lingers on the latter for a bit as the music quiets for a moment. It’s likely some throw away prop, but…

A Zombie Kid’s foot cracks the door. The two beasties have been joined by more of their friends, and a wave of grabby undead hands come in and yoink the terrified girl - and the tank - out into the floor of the party store. 

She writhes a bit as the creatures surround her. Their ringleader, a sort of faux-80’s punkette, notes the large tank now rolling nearby. She makes a toothy grin and with a few guttural commands has her zombie goons hoist Rosa up, while she grabs it. I’m leaning on the couch now, transfixed. I can’t believe this is going to happen. The mohawked deadite wannabe tucks the cylinder under her arm, and aims it towards our heroine’s big butt in a comically exaggerated gesture. She lunges forward and the camera switches to poor Rosa’s expression, a mixture of shock and pain. It’s accompanied by a distinct ripping sound and a fairly natural cry of protest.

The Punkette holds the tank in place as a cheerleader zombie goes to turn the gas flow on, giggling like some sort of Lovecraftian valley girl. The background theme changes to a Halloween remix of “pop goes the weasel” and Rosa’s belly begins to slowly bloat out. A mix of stomach gurgling and balloon stretching noises accompany the expansion. The camera travels to her backside, and we see the rear end that was such a focus before begin to grow as well, massive cheeks tear through her khakis and envelop the nozzle inserted into her. Plump thighs thicken dramatically, we now get shots of buttons bursting off and seams tearing away.

Rosa’s clothes fall to the floor as some of the zombies let go of her. Naked save for her brightly colored underwear, her inflation seems to double in speed. Her soft belly bloats into a large, smooth dome. Much is made of her arms fattening up, her engorged hands end up looking like inflated rubber gloves with well manicured nails. Billowing legs force her once dainty feet towards the ground as they puff up as well, their balloonish girth flattening against the floor. Rosa’s grunts, moans and cries for mercy heighten the experience for me. 

I never claimed that I wasn't a terrible person.

“Uuuugh, no! Stop! C-can’t….gonna!” She sputters as her cheeks and lips expand, making it so she can’t speak. She looks pleadingly at her tormentors. One holds up a box of Anti-Gas medicine in what’s got to be the least appropriate product placement I've seen in a while. The punkette chortles in glee, setting down the tank and turning the gas to full. The music swells along with Rosa as we enter the final shot of her mortifying end.

The camera zooms out so we can see her massive girth - she now dwarfs even the largest of the zombies - and that she is growing precariously larger. Her massiveness has forced her into a spread eagle position, her body distorted into sort of a hyper pear shape. A snap indicates her panties break, and then her bra. She makes a series of muffled, horrified cries as her massive body swells enough to hide her face from the camera. The zombies make a break for it, and there is a shot of her huge figure all by it’s lonesome in the store right before it explodes into horror movie viscera.

After I pick up my jaw from the floor, I quickly go for the remote as the scene switches back to the heinously dull lead character again. I click the repeat button and thank the DVD gods as the whole sequence begins again. I may have found my new favorite film.

Author's Note: 

A slight re-edit of a story I did a little while ago (the edits are just to remove references to another story that are a bit confusing here) - it's awful meta: a jaded, snarky horror movie fan finds a film with a scene that includes their secret kink.

Average: 3.9 (16 votes)
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